aurorafaerie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Catching up Okay...I wouldn't say today went 'well', but better than expected! First off, I went to watch Cameron (my nephew) play football...he won the match and it was just nice to be out in the fresh air. I've decided I like watching sports. For the last 3 weeks, Lucy and I have been to watch the rugby every Saturday. It's good fun and nice to get out and see people. I then went to meet Gemma M. I haven't seen her since she left work in February. We had so much to catch up on. I think she understands me when it comes to dieting. She cried when I was talking about my weight. She said she doesn't think I'll ever be without this problem, and honestly, she thinks its just a matter of time before it kills me. Whether it be through starvation, organ problems related to puking/laxative abuse, or just killing myself because it's fucking me up in my head. And I think that's about accurate. I'm finding life really hard at the minute. I'm low enough anyway, let alone with Deano & his new family wandering around being all happy and loving. But also, thinking about what I did and knowing my due date is on the 25th. I originally wanted to kill myself by then. Or on the day itself. If I had the guts I still would. I don't honestly have a reason for not doing it. But I don't know if I have the nerve. I don't feel like there's anything left to do with my life, but I'm scared of what will happen next. However, if I don't, I don't know what life will be afterwards. I think that will be one of my darkest days. And I don't know how I'm going to live through it. It's hard. I don't know... I just keep thinking, they're going to bury me. And I won't be me. I'll be all fat, and have no hair. This isn't me. Well, it isn't the me I want to be. I want to be skinny again. I loved the bones. I'm tired of eating to keep people happy. If there was a way to do it before the 25th so I could be buried skinny, I would. I wish. I need help but I don't want it. I just don't know what I do want. Reading the messages left for Sophie (anaz-gurl) I was actually jealous. People telling her to rest with the angels and such...that's where I want to be. I just want to be at peace in my mind & soul. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to let anyone down anymore. I just don't want to be anymore. 10:05 pm - 17 September 2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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